Nothing will kill your high faster than a pearl-clutching Karen. Biscuit Bitch has done the work of weeding out prudes by including the word bitch in its name. A delightfully bitchy atmosphere coupled with some delicious fucking biscuits, make Biscuit Bitch a stoner haven.
It’s not just the biscuits that stoners love. Are you familiar with a hippie speedball? AKA a Seattle speedball, AKA a wake and bake, and brew? If not, and you haven’t guessed, (maybe you’re undercaffeinated?) a hippie speedball is weed and coffee. And Biscuit Bitch has some excellent fucking coffee. Not just any coffee, Biscuit Bitch promises and delivers ‘kick-ass espresso.’
Biscuit Bitch serves, Seven Coffees which hand-roasts its ethically-sourced beans in small batches in Seattle. There is even a special coffee called, The Bitch Blend. The aptly-named coffee boasts flavors that are sassy, bold, and tart. The perfect jet fuel to balance out your high.
But if this were just one of the approximately 738,984 espresso places in Seattle, we wouldn’t be so excited about it. It’s the food that makes Biscuit Bitch so special. Who knew biscuits could be so versatile? Southerners I guess.
The menu is short and simple but manages to have something for everyone. Craving something sweet? Order the Nutty Bitch, biscuits slathered in Nutella, bananas, and whipped cream. Want something hearty and savory? There are seven kinds of biscuits and gravy, and two kinds of gravy.
In its signature sassy fashion, the menu reads “Trailer park to table biscuits and gravy with all the fixin’s piled on top!” Yeehaw.
Another perk for those of us whose budget includes cannabis is the prices. The most expensive item on the menu is the Hot Mess Bitch for $11.70. Of course, you could go wild with add-ons and get something more than that. But regular menu items topping out at right around $12 is pretty freaking reasonable in Seattle.
Bitch Don’t Kill my Vibe
Like any true stoner safe space, the coffee, food, and even name aren’t what makes it special. It’s the vibe. Biscuit Bitch has vibe for days. The original Cafe Lieto location is right outside of Pike Place Market, which, let’s face it, is a fucking madhouse that locals mostly avoid. Despite the tourist trap location, Biscuit Bitch set out to be friendly, despite its name.
The ‘Head Bitch in Charge,’ Kimmie Spice, created a space that is free from the icy attitudes Seattleites are famous for and instead offers some Southern hospitality. Even when there are lines out the door, and your stoned-ass is stammering out your indecisive order, asking questions that are easily answered by reading the menu directly in front of you, the staff will patiently tolerate you.
If you want to avoid Pike Place, and who doesn’t, there are several locations to choose from. In addition to the Pike Place-adjacent Cafe Lieto location, you can find Biscuit Bitch in Belltown, Pioneer Square, and now in White Center. The new White Center location even has a vegan menu you can’t get at the other locations, which is exciting for stoned vegans.
Biscuit Bitch closes early, 2-3 p.m. depending on the location, so if you want to get your bitch on, go early. Because Biscuit Bitch is busy. And waiting in line with intense munchies sucks.
Start your day off right, get high, drink coffee, and eat a fucking biscuit.
Images by Davis Staedtler (CC BY 2.0)