The holidays are here, and for most of us, that means spending time with family. For some people, that might mean roasting up a big fat doobie with your mama. But if your family is not down like that, it can take some strategic maneuvering to get through the holidays red-eyed yet unscathed.
Here are some tips from a cannabis professional, on how to discreetly indulge in the world’s best plant, so you don’t stab your asshole uncle with a fork.
For the hardcore stoners out there, edibles alone aren’t going to cut it. The high just isn’t the same, even when it’s powerful. And let’s face it, smoking and vaping is part of the fun. But they’re a good way to keep a steady baseline high inconspicuously.
Eat them before you travel, if you’re not driving. Eat them before you have to see your folks. Eat them every time your dumb uncle says something horrible. Bring plenty so you can eat them liberally.
A bonus to edibles, if you have relatives that are on the fence about cannabis, or kind of square about their weed use, it’s much easier to convince them to eat an edible with you than to take a rip off your pen or pipe. And no one wants to party alone.
9. Bring Extra Munchies
Stoners have weird eating habits. Your average person won’t want to eat more snacks at midnight after a giant meal, but your high ass probably will. So plan accordingly and pack some shelf-stable private snacks you can stash in your room or bag. Then when that late-night craving hits you can avoid creeping to the kitchen, rifling through the fridge, and waking up your mom and aunt Brenda who will then immediately ask, if you got enough to eat at dinner.
8. Stay Hydrated
While we’re having the munchies conversation, let’s not forget about the beverages. Bring a water bottle, fill that shit up while everyone is still awake. If you like juice, or kombucha, or alcohol, get that too, and plenty of it. Cottonmouth away from home is no joke. Come prepared.
7. Take Lots of Walks
If your family home is not cannabis-friendly, it’s probably best to avoid inhaling the sweet sensimilla in their home during waking hours. The best way to work around this is going on “walks.” Who doesn’t like to see their offspring getting some fresh air and stretching their legs? Just make sure to make you exit when any weed-fearing relatives who might want to join in the wholesome activity are preoccupied with other things.
If you have a family dog, taking it out for a walk is an excellent excuse to leave and get high. And best of all? Dogs can’t narc! And even if they could they wouldn’t because they’re dogs and they’re cool like that.
6. Dress Appropriately
This advice is two-fold. Looking nice will help avoid suspicion. Looking like a slob will make relatives look for trouble. But dressing appropriately doesn’t just mean dressing nice. It means dressing for the weather and the activities. If you’re going to be heading outside on several walks, then bring good shoes, shoes that can hold up to whatever shitty December weather you’re probably going to encounter. And bring a good coat, your mom will never let you hear the end of it if you don’t. And if you borrow hers and leave your paraphernalia in her pocket it will be a whole ordeal.
5. Vaping is Your Friend
Whatever you may feel about vaping, it is ideal for occasions such as being stuck with your square family over the holidays. It doesn’t smell and it’s convenient. Just bite the bullet and buy one or bring one. You can take fat dabs or bong tokes as soon as you get home. And like edibles, it’s easier to get those finicky cannabis users to cave and get high with a vape pen than with other more harsh methods.
4. Don’t Dab with a Torch
Don’t bring a torch into your family’s home and use it to consume cannabis extract. Just don’t do it. Your family is going to think you’re getting high on hard drugs if they see you, even if you tell them it’s just hash. They’re going to worry you’ll burn the house down. The older folks just don’t understand our ways and our need to consume cannabis concentrate using a powerful open flame. Now is not the time to make them understand.
3. Find the Weak Link, and Get Them High
When the big family celebration arrives, find the relative or family friend that you know sometimes secretly likes the weed, and get them high. You’ve come prepared with your dab pen, edibles, and secret munchies. Now find them and go on a walk. Your relatives will probably know exactly what’s happening, but they’ll pretend not to and appreciate your subtlety. The lies and secrecy are a sign of respect for people who are afraid of weed. It’s a weird, weird world.
2. Be Helpful
Everyone is going to be a lot less likely to call you out and get all bent out of shape about your weed smoking if you do the dishes. Jump at any opportunity to take a last-minute trip to the store. Time spent out of the house is a time you can spend getting high! Just get high after you go otherwise you WILL forget something. Even if there’s a list. Just don’t be a sloppy dick and it will go a long way.
1. Take it Easy on the Booze
While some folks prefer either booze or cannabis, some of us with refined and gluttonous tastes like both. Even if you’re a seasoned party animal, the holidays can get weird when there is alcohol involved. Even dorks drink too much, and it’s easy to throw back one too many. When you add secretly getting high into the mix that’s even more likely to fuck you up more than intended. So be mindful that you’re out of your element, and take it slow on the drinks.
Be Merry, and High
The thing about the holidays is that it’s dark and shitty outside, but if you don’t hate your family, then it’s at least kind of nice to spend time with them. So be respectful, come prepared, but don’t punish yourself by not getting high. Having your regular stoned self around will be more pleasant for everyone. Happy holidays, stoners!